Call Clooney!

1224 CAPS (2020-03-12)

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0:00:00JCD: “Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!” (2:16:53)
0:00:36Andrew Horowitz’ “L recovery”, JCD: “all cash, baby!”
0:01:50ACC issues “solid D-minus” to Trump’s teleprompter read, comedic “you have any white stuff?” live feed beforehand, unprofessional mic check, ACC: “it’s one two one two check two!”, confusion over poorly-written restrictions on flights from EU, lame “okaay!” postamble
0:06:59A very sad Don Lemon fails to get California Lieutenant Governor Eleni Kounalakis to bash federal government’s coronavirus response; Gov. Gavin Newsom praises conversation with Trump; unhinged Lemon gets in a shouting match with Gov. John Kasich because he doesn’t hate Trump enough; freshly-minted CNN contributor Andrew Yang predicts return of the Obama-era “technocrats” under Joe Biden, JCD: “Valerie Jarrett!”
0:13:41New “flatten the curve” meme, JCD’s expanded parking options on haircut outing
0:16:54October 2019 “Event 201” CAPS coronavirus pandemic exercise hosted by spook school Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security, Moskovitz/Tuna Open Philanthropy Project, “it began in healthy-looking pigs” video; JCD and JMD discussing Tom Hanks’ hopes for survival; Event 201 three-weeks-later scenario with “GNN” headlines; 33-second video from Tom Hanks’ son Chet; Event 201 “social distancing” meme; Johns Hopkins’ Tom Inglesby to CBS on Fauci “ten times deadlier” meme; globalist Inglesby addresses Event 201 attendees
0:42:21ACC’s sister Willow reporting on restaurant closings in Italy; Chinese/EU bioweapon and 5G conspiracy theories; toilet paper hoarding psychology; New Zealand victim “curiously” looking fine after Diamond Princess cruise: “I never really felt unwell”; local report on Florida woman quarantined for a month; NBC News outlier with “my worst symptom was the fever”
0:50:34Buzzkill Jr. denied tests in spite of symptoms; ACC’s deaths-per-day top ten list with 3,014 from tuberculosis vs 56 from COVID-19; Rep. Ken Buck proposes amendment renaming H.R.6172 USA FREEDOM Reauthorization Act of 2020 “Federal Initiative to Spy on Americans (FISA) Act”; Pelosi flatly rejects White House proposal for payroll tax relief as Congress trots off on vacation; Pelosi “this is Armageddon” iso; JCD “I’m starting a podcast!” iso
0:59:20“Huge news!” as NBA suspends season; LeBron James walks back his “I ain’t playin’”; Dutch PM Mark Rutte announces an end to handshakes and immediately tries to shake someone’s hand; United Airlines flight diverted due to riot precipitated by sneezing passenger
1:06:27Two major Robinhood app outages during periods of market freefall; London scientists recruiting test subjects willing to be injected with the virus for $4,000
1:09:31JCD’s hand sanitizer burger practical joke; carnival barker Gov. Andrew Cuomo announces NYS Clean hand sanitizer with “floral bouquet” made by Corcraft with prison slave labor, ACC: “how about Prison Hooch Hand Wash?”; propylene glycol fumes folk remedy
1:15:14CBS News closing headquarters; CNBC personnel in alternative locations; JCD on silver lining of the world receiving a much-needed cleaning; ACC predicts creeping incrementalism
1:21:25Producer Segment:
1:46:39Joe Biden “I’m not a pundit” iso; ACC contacted by his agent after Joe Rogan appearance and put on Animated No Agenda trail; producer apologizes for trolling ACC on Usenet
1:49:37DHS vs airlines on tracking overseas passengers; EU pushing constitutional amendments to make exiting union impossible, Guy Verhofstadt threatens “a union without opt-ins, opt-outs, rebates, exceptions, and above all without unanimity rules and veto rights”, JCD: “where’s the Sieg Heil?”, 71% of Dutch in favor of Nexit; digital services tax to kick in on April 1
1:57:01Biden to be allowed to sit down for next debate; “sexism in Hitler’s/Hillary’s race” controversy; “shush!” for female handler during Detroit Second Amendment ambush, JCD on Reagan’s tactic of getting press to yell at him, “take your AR-14s away” fiasco, JCD: “a directed energy weapon used in the game Halo”; Democracy Now on irregularities in Missouri and Michigan primaries; Michael Moore blames Trump for apathetic voters turning away from Bernie
2:11:15Job offers for Biden’s former opponents; Democrat pollster insists that Biden needs running mate who is “not a white male, right? preferably not white!”; “woman of color” Tulsi Gabbard; Vermin Supreme: “how much fun do you want to have in 2020?”; Amanda Hunter lies to PBS: “voters … will vote for a man that they don’t like”, JCD counters with Bloomberg; ACC still watching Hillary documentary, conversion to the dark side around 1990; ACC and JCD wrangle over the extent to which Americans still trust the mainstream media
2:23:08Climate scientist Prince Harry spews Trump hate at Russian phone pranksters Vovan & Lexus
2:26:59Donation Segment
2:43:40Google served with geofence search warrant in Gainesville Florida burglary case; JCD gripes about Mechanics Bank charging a fee to use cost-saving ATMs; Bitcoin “V recovery” vs gold
2:52:29Vague generalities from Democracy Now on Saudi Arabia royal family crackdown; endless gasoline and bread lines in Wes Clark Seven country Sudan; locusts in South Sudan and other parts of Africa, ACC: “are the locusts edible?”, kosher locusts in Israel
3:02:33Massachusetts considering law against body size discrimination; Bloomberg vs Napoleon
3:05:21Harvey Weinstein’s unanticipated 23 years in consecutive prison sentences, JCD faked death theory, ACC proposes prosecution for male and female accomplices