Call Clooney!

1198 Self Certified (2019-12-12)

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0:00:00ACC: “Euhhhh, y’know… like, uh, euhhhh… ISIS!” (0:48:29)
0:00:38ACC’s picturesque middle seat on flight from Amsterdam, TSA Pre✓ at “slave kiosk”
0:06:02Staff doing piss-poor job of playing clips at impeachment hearings; “Lindy” Graham promises Maria Bartiromo to stop trial in Senate before Ukraine dirty laundry can be aired, “if you’re a House member and you participated… uh, you’re subject” slip; John Oliver clone “lawyer #2” Kevin Clinesmith from Michigan State; Graham calls for “fundamental reform” of FISA; FBI lies characterized as “irregularities”; selection of Clinesmith’s post-election anti-Trump text messages; potential criminal prosecution for altering e-mail from CIA to FBI about Carter Page wiretap; Andrea Mitchell hand-wringing over FBI “mistakes” used to “not inform” FISA court; Graham draws parallels with falsification of fingerprint evidence and J. Edgar Hoover
0:27:53Clinesmith “I could smell the Trump support” e-mail, All the President’s Men Page-Strzok messages; media amplifying “no evidence of bias” message; Lisa Page too young to understand Nixon’s resignation; Wired article “Fox News Is Now a Threat to National Security” by CNN shill Garrett Graff propagating Schiff’s “concoct dirt” lie; Russian source who debunked Steele Dossier represented to FISA judge as “truthful and cooperative”; Jerry Nadler: “we cannot rely on an election to solve our problems”; Doug Collins encourages Nadler to “bang it harder”
0:46:35Joe diGenova: Horowitz’ conclusion “an embarrassment to the Department of Justice”; Nancy Pelosi claims she knew there were no Iraqi WMDs in 2006 but didn’t support impeachment, ACC: “why did she let us go to war??”; Pelosi’s “Gang of Four” vs AOC’s “The Squat”
0:54:29Former prosecutor Yuriy Lutsenko to One America News on Marie Yovanovitch attempting to interfere with investigation and lying before Congress
1:01:24Producer Segment: JCD’s “horse penis” rookworst;; “wifey” and “kiddos”
1:24:50JCD gripes the term “creatives”; YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki at Gaming Creator Summit: “we act on behalf of our advertisers”, “we’ve enabled creators to self-certify themself”, “we’re gonna trust you… um, or at least we’re gonna make sure that our systems say the same thing”
1:32:03Hackers hollering “wake up!” at sleeping Ring doorbell owners, Ring claiming incident “in no way connected” to a data breach; shrieking alarm and “does your child look like an Oreo?” in Florida, owner demands Ring “put more security stuff on there, do more updates on the cameras … but I dunno”; “IoT, where the S stands for Security”, ACC: “it’s time for the Ring Doorbell Podcast!”, Echo ad with man turning on the lights for his wife from the driver’s seat, JCD: “turn the heat up to a hundred and twenty, flash the lights for the next half hour”
1:40:40Dogs Are People Too: “of all the things for the health and happiness of our dogs, Embark’s dog DNA test may be the most imporʔant”; Alexandria Ocasio Cortez flexing her snotty “so the answer is no” muscles to compare human maternity leave to dogs with puppies
1:45:15Amanda “Foxy Knoxy” Knox welcomes Lorena Bobbitt to the stage amid enthusiastic cheers
1:50:36Sexual Harassment Update: Harvey Weinstein’s insurance to spend $25M buying off accusers
1:54:56Luggage maker Away CEO Steph Korey resigns over toxic work environment fueled by Slack and the expectation that “noodle kid” employees will be at work 24/7; JCD story: making InfoWorld writer cry, ACC greeting Mevio employees with “we start at 8:30!” at 10:00
2:11:37Donation Segment: Kara Swisher’s Recode Decode podcast of the year; dinner by Sir Gene
2:39:14JCD teases Steve Harvey’s eye roll at idiotic Miss Universe climate change question
2:40:07Glenn Beck shuts down Jeff Brown’s claims about the power of quantum computing
2:43:22Black Hebrew Israelites connected to Jersey City gun battle and Covington high school incident